Well things didn't quite go to plan. Lets just say that myself and the long-distance lover have reached the final chapter. Sadly these things happen from time to time, I've had my fair share of break ups, I'm not going to take all the blame for the demise of every relationship but I will say that 99% of the time I have been the one that pulls the pin. I don't understand why people will flog a dead horse, why keep torturing yourself in a relationship for years or even months when your gut tells you that something isn't right, when you try to sort it out but seem to get nowhere and finally you reach the point of either adapting (that's a bullshit word, the correct word is sacrificing) your requirements to make the relationship bearable. It comes down to being happy and sometimes you're happier on your own. And if you're not, you can learn to be. I like the idea of being in a relationship but I actually don't have the personality nor the drive to cope with a relationship. Sharing, uh-uh, I'm not very good at that. Surprises...no way! Flying by the seat of my pants, "cruising" or "going with the flow".....thanks, but no.
I look at life as though it were a road map, I have a direction and I like to stick to it. Without direction I wouldn't have got where I am today nor would I have any drive to get where I'm going. The glitch in my plan is that my direction is on a single lane road it seems, no room for anyone by my side. It could work if someone had a clear map of where they're going, we could meet up at points along the way. But the way I feel about relationships is that I end up detouring in a relationship and going along a double lane road and getting so far from where I want to be. Then I have to stop and turn around or carry on forward and find my way back to my desired road. In the past the backtracking was quick and easy but as I've gotten older it takes me longer to find my way and I am guilty of mistaking that gut feeling for a case of grumbly guts from an overdose of lentils or onions. Ok, I'm lying to myself, I'm more intelligent than that, I just need to admit that deep-down dread and gas feel sort of the same. Neither should be ignored.
Well, with all that said, I feel better. Thanks for bearing with me for the rant.
So as the title of this post suggests I'm catching up on my blog, I wasn't able to post from Owhango and I didn't really want to share what was going on and I still don't now because it wasn't something I care to relive on paper. It sucked, for me anyway. I am very glad to be home and the prospect of never having to go back there fills me with relief. I will miss my long-distance lover but I won't miss him being in my environment and I won't miss being in his. Maybe in time we'll be friends.
So I'm back in my tranquil bush setting and I am trying hard to get on top of this low mood, I have 42 days of my holiday left, it is going fast and I'm achieving very little. I do want to change that but I am finding it hard to get motivated. So today I will start with measuring up for my interior building projects. I know I can build so hopefully some success on that front will dispel some of the self doubt I've acquired. With some confidence hopefully motivation shall grow. I feel as though I am a shell of the person I was (and can be again) and that's not good.
Hoby came with me and was a true star, I love him. He was in fine thieving form and managed to consume approximately a dozen savory muffins, a bag of mixed sweets, two rows of a king sized block of hokey-pokey chocolate and a chocolate muffin. After consuming this amount of chocolate I am surprised he is still alive.
Back home, the horses didn't run out of water or food, their hooves didn't get any shorter (hopefully the farrier is coming out tomorrow) and all the chickens survived. I am so pleased that I did the dishes, made my bed and did a general tidy up before I went away because coming back to a tidy-ish house was fabulous.
I watched a movie, "The Tourist" before bed and I didn't think it was half bad, for once I could actually follow a story line without getting confused...I think. So Johnny Depp was Alexander Pearce all along right? Oh I give up. Give me a doco any day.
My garden is flourishing! The tomatoes are nicely formed but still green. The herbs are flowering. The lavender bush has buds forming at long last, I can't wait to have lavender tea again. The capsicums and chilli seedlings haven't grown as much as I'd hoped. The soya and butter beans are looking good. The mystery melon or squash also looks healthy. I will have another bumper crop of spinach. The coriander has bolted again. The sugar snaps need training up string which I'll do later today. The babaco is getting a bit yellow, more water required. The nasturtiums are still hanging in there, I hope they go crazy on the bank of the stream. The red onions look better than I'd imagined. The bulbs I planted last week are all but dead, darn it. The flax has survived, just, I hope it finds some way of getting through summer with only the water offered from the heavens as my water tank is below half full so that will be my biggest challenge this season, getting enough water for the cabins and the animals let alone for the plants.
It is a beautiful day today, I will put Hoby in his house shortly and then potter around the place.
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